Not yet ready for L_0've

Today was wonderful. Not because of anything out-of-the-ordinary but because of my special bonding time with connie--it totally made my day :) thanks connie--you are a terrific friend and you have no idea just how much you have helped me along my journey of life... thanks a million

Now i can safely conclude (after our heart to heart talk) that i'm not ready to be in a relationship
I'm just too independent...
maybe after i meet the perfect guy....and wait for serendiperty+~*
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but i donno...ahh this is so confusing
but i do know that i'm a heartbreaker so if you want to keep your heart perfectly intact--stay away from me...

frikit...it seems that i can never truly have a normal friendship with a guy cuz they all turn out to like me in a way more than a friend

i hate it so much when it happens--it just ruins out friendship and things cannot bee exactly the same as before...

i miss the simpler times.....
but yeah... that's life for you.

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I also found out that i do actually like him (my nickname for him: 爆龙)

He's actually perfect--all that i need in a guy+~*except we can never be together...
...
now i have finally figured out that i like 爆龙...things prob won't be the same between us....
the heartbroker becomes the heartbrokee

i hope i can still be his friend, but it'll take more effort this time cuz i have to hide my feelings (don't want to freak him out)
friends. that's my goal...

all i want is for him to be happy and if that's with some other girl and not me--i'm fine with it, really i'm fine.

i have to be more like that girl in 281 letters---sacrifice everything for the happinese of him. she's amazing...

向她学习!

Free--time to chase after my dreams?

Exams are OVER! finally! so happy now :P

now is time to relax and focus on what i want out of life--well, maybe not that serious...maybe is just want I want to do during these few day. But yeah over the course of these few weeks, I have discovered that life isn't all about learning and getting good marks (i know that's really obvious to some but i haven't been able to realize that for awhile).
Life is all about ... having fun, enjoying every moment to the fullest. I mean after all, all of our hard work today is just so that we can surive in the world tomorrow. so what's the point of freaking out about it? enjoy while you are still here--dont build a wonderful life for yourself and then it turns out that you can't enjoy it at all--it would be so horrible.
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and throughout these few days, I also found out something about myself....
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It is strange, and i'm not even sure if is my imagination or ...
but

I think i'm falling in love..................

strange, eh? that i can't even tell whether is love or just a type of connection or comfort.

I donno...but i haven't been in love for a long time (not since last year anyways) I donno...but ever since then--ever since that tragic experience I haven't been able to completely let go of myself--i havent' really allowed myself to fall in love again.

i donno...
this is all very strange..............
unfamiliar...
I can't believe this.
Three years ago I was head over heels in love with what i thought was an amazing guy. I liked him, and then I loved him. I loved him so deeply that i was about to change schools just for him. We went out for awhile and then i realized just how self and ignorant he really is... I was crushed. I was crushed by my own self dispare--i cant believe that i ever fell for him...

A year ago I thought i was falling in love again...but this time is wasn't real...I liked him and he like me, but it turns out that he loves my friend. I was crushed again--crushed by my own stupidity--crushed by my own incapablility to realize the truth, the reality......................


And now...I don't even know what to do any more...
Should I let myself love him?
If so how?
How can I love him without feeling strange/foreign/lost?
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I can't...

I want to be his friend--only friends! but is not working as love like a cough cannot be hidden.
Now i think he's on to me, but i'm too afraid to reveal anything--afraid that the truth will crush me again.............................................................

He is so amazing, and i'm sure of it this time!
He has goals in life, dreams to chase
He has values and self-restrain
He pays attention to life's mircales

But he's not for me.........but one day he'll make some lucky girl very happy

All i can do is to bee there for him when he needs it
All i can do is watch him chase after his dreams
All i can do is to 让他找到爱的幸福
All i can do is to look him in the eye and prove to the world that i care for him, i love him, but i can't have him

All i can ever do is bee his friend~*+

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+*~This is my goodby to you...

FUCK it all

i don't want to sleep even though i'm exhausted...
i don't want to work even though i should...
i don't want to live in depression any more but i have no solution...

life is full of crap that you have to put up with... if my life is completely up to me, i would be back in China now... with my family and friends
FUCk iTaLL

Things are never quiet scary when you got a best Friend...

I just came back from Connie's Sweet Sixteen B-Day party. It was so fun! We played DDR (I suck :P) and mario carts (I suck too ^_^;;)................
but it was a party that i really enjoyed in a long time...
usually (for the past while now) I always get semi-depressed at parties. I donno why, I just do... maybe is because of the happy atmosphere, the laughters, the few people that doesn't seem to belong.. i doonoo

but connie's party was fun...while it lasted
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I consider her one of my best friends, yet i wasn't invited to sleepover...
i know that's not a big deal or anything, but still...
i know it's her party and she should have whoever she likes to sleepover...
but still...
i feel cheated, foolish, lost

"things are never quiet scary when you have a best friend..." Calvin and Hobbes was right....

i don't have one

it's a scary world out there.....
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am i alone?..............................
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i miss my best friends in China. They were always there for me when i needed. we were inseparatable. we were the most cheerful, happy, united, fun, imaginative, creative, inclusive trio there ever will be........... but i lost them...
i miss them so much....
魏楠, 王亚蓝...我好想你们啊.....
可是....it's never gonna be the same again.............
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i wish that i can go back in time and never let go of our friendship, but back then i didn't understand the importance of having great, terrific, amazing friends like you two...
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i mis